Every morning I wake up and the first thought on my mind is, what day is it and what does my schedule look like? This is exhausting. Forty years old and I am still trying to decide what my life is supposed to look like. As I write that, the memory of a quote somehwere clears its throat. We aren’t supposed to imagine what life should look like, but instead enjoy the life that we are living. Quotes are my jam, words that hit you in the heart and evoke emotion from a place that is so desperate for understanding and acceptance. A place that is overworked, misunderstood and filled with fear. But there are so many quotes and many, many of them can contradict the last one you decided to make your mantra.

As a creative person, I have my hands in multiple projects all the time. Most are unfinished. Some are finished and have me looking at them sideways, contemplating how to redo it all over again. Fix it-make it perfect-wait, here comes a new idea-abandon ship-swim to shore-build a house-then decide to live in a hammock instead. It’s never-ending and at times, it feels like the weakest part of my character. The flaw that I despise and love all at the same time. We can’t choose one. We just can’t and then we come up with 101 ways to take those projects and make money so that we can just keep creating…but now we tried to turn a passion into a job and we hate the rules and responsibility of J-O-B-S! -Don’t tell me what to do Snow White!

SO, here I sit…Macbook keys clicking away, creating that sound that makes me feel whole and true-because I’m writing and it’s my deepest, spirit dancing-soul expressing passion. BUT!-right now, it doens’t pay the bills. So, next to me, sketches of the app I’m going to design that will bring a community together, my phone that dings with messages and SM notifications-responses for the company I am trying to build, a deadline scratching at my left temple-the client wants me to change everything and notes off to the side of my screen for the phone interview I have later-a dream job that will wipe all the rest of it away. (Is that really what I want?) I’m teaching a class at noon and then when I get home…maybe I’ll paint something new. Some of these things make money, some have potential to and most will be things I just return to from time to time because the other stuff became stagnant. If only I could put them each into those respective boxes and accept them in that context, but I don’t know how. What I made a mistake and put something in the wrong spot? Will I ever know?

Is that we are always trying to fill a need for finding that one GREAT IDEA or that one niche that will catapult us into financial stability in the field we most desire? Or is it merely unacknowledged boredom with that life that we have been living?

Here’s where I mention…I have no idea. How do we reign it all in-prioritize one love over another? Aren’t we supposed to put our all into that one true passion in order to achieve our version of success? And what does that look like, really?

I’ve recently had a reading, recevied messages from my spirit guides. “Be Still and Listen” was the recurring message. I’m trying, but if there’s one thing that I know for absolute certain….creatives do not have patience.

If you’ve nodded along to my ramble, just know…you’re not alone in the madness.