Well, I went back to yoga today…again. I blindly cashed in my $50 gift card and purchased a month of unlimited yoga at a studio I have never practiced in. I thought, really- I can’t even fit into my yoga clothes anymore-why would I spend hours researching studios? Yoga SHOULD BE yoga and I SHOULD appreciate all the beautiful ways that people spin tradition footsteps. Off I go…..
Early, as always, I set up my mat in the darkest part of the room and said a little prayer to the large wooden statue of Ganesh just beyond the flicker of a candle set next to the teachers mat. I was the first student to arrive and as the clatter of cell phone convos on speaker and dropping keys AND water spilling AND blah-blah-blah began, I closed my eyes and let it all go.
The teacher talked about-what, I have no idea but her voice crept into my ears and calmed my heart. No shit, it really did-I’m not just speaking ‘yogi’ here. My heart was like, “Chill man-I’m out-see you next Thursday!”
We moved and flowed and as I sunk into my first down dog I became very much aware that my shirt was almost around my neck, my pants had rolled a little bit so god only knows what my stomach looked like and I could feel my face getting fatter and fatter as the blood rushed to my head. Fuck. Everyone was staring. One girl gasped and then another said, “O-M-G, those Sweaty Bettys are like two years old!” No. That didn’t happen. It didn’t-ya know why? -BECAUSE NOBODY CARED ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING ON MY OWN MAT!!!!!! Nobody wondered who I was or where I came from or if I had to step down out of Warrior Three a little early because my left calf muscle was literally on fucking fire. Nobody cared. Everyone was on their own mats-dealing with their own shit-or not. So, I closed my eyes, I sunk in and I decided to set my intention as “JUST ENJOY IT”. So I did.
I left class exhausted, warm and fulfilled. A little teary eyed I gave the teacher a hug and told her that I needed her today. She asked if I was new and I nodded. That was it. I didn’t give her my name or tell her that I was a teacher myself, I just chose to be the girl in the front left corner of class and for today, THAT felt like my absolute truth.
Yoga used to be home, where I found my center and where I felt like my self at all times-and grateful for even the moments that I realized I lost myself a little. I’m so grateful I went back today and I fully intend to keep BLAH-BLAH-BLAHING about it!!!
Namaste’ YO!
